Mysterious Giant Lizard Sighted Off Remote Pacific Islands

(Universal Headlines, Fiji) Following what must have been a very trying day, residents of several Pacific islands are finally relaxing in the comfort of their own homes again. The reason for their displacement of over 16 hours was the sighting of what witnesses could only describe as “a huge giant lizard.” The immensely oversized lizard, estimated to be approximately the size of a small building, bares similar markings to that of an ordinary iguana. The lizard is believed to have crawled out of the ocean onto dry land, soon thereafter threatening local populations with its slow, deliberate movements toward food storage facilities. It is said to have scurried back toward the water upon the arrival of several military helicopters that were stationed at nearby bases. One agitated witness described the encounter as being “really scary. I mean, it didn’t seem like it wanted to hurt anybody. But I got as far away from the Food King as fast as I could.”

Unfortunately for scientists wishing to study the amazing creature and laymen alike, nobody succeeded in photographing the gargantuan creature. “This only confirms and advances what we have been surmising for years’, says Dr. Randal Longfellow of the prolific STOM Research facilities. “We’ve long suspected that the massive changes in weather, environment, and technology in recent decades would invariably force us to confront other massive changes in nature that we have not as of yet been able to study.” Longfellow, one of scientist Dr. Norman Boucher’s right hand men and a major proponent of advanced, highly trained Monkey Teams, considers this excellent evidence of the need to introduce competent Monkey Teams into mainstream society. “We are proceeding on schedule and will gladly begin distribution of Monkey Teams as planned. Hopefully, Dr. Boucher’s dream of using obedient, cost-efficient Monkey Teams to ease the burdens of human life will also help against threats such as the one observed only this week.”

Dr. Boucher, feared missing for several years now (a possibility vehemently denied by STOM Research’s top brass), was unavailable for comment. (RSL contributed to this article.)