Nanwood Declares end to New Monkey Research, Sites Scientific Division's Decleration: "...is this on? (pause) ...our research is complete!"
Ottowa, Canada (Assocated News)
STOM Research announced today the finale of its 4th Reasearch Allotment Phase. Authorities have verified that the approval of the 5th Research Allotment Phase was verified by the heads of STOM Research's primary departments. For now, however, all attention seems to be focused on releasing to the public all data from it's famed 4th reasearch run.
Much can be said to have changed during the tumultous 4th age of STOM's Research's allotment cycles. Every several years the organizaion conducts a full review of not only their own monkey technologies, but in fact *all* monkey related studies ever undertaken. "This basically means', says Sam Fox, Sub-Manager of the Activities Department, "that virtually all data ever recorded on monkeys is reviewed and advanced every couple of years. We are constantly advancing and reviewing more. This is the 'why', the 'reason' we are better." STOM Research claims their research gives them a more refined and accurate understanding of human-monkey and monkey-monkey relations.
In the coming days, STOM Research will be opening the vast treasure-troves of its data cache to all registered users. Virtually anyone registered will have access to the decades of knowledge acquired by STOM Research personnel.
This cycle was viewed as perhaps the most difficult by observers of the 4th phase due to the mysterious disappearance of founder Dr. Otto N. Verbraucher two summers ago. While never acknolwedging it directly, STOM Research's department heads have admitted to assuming greater responsibilities in the wake of Dr. Verbraucher's "extended sabbatical".
"Of course we wish the Doctor was here for the release," said Dr. Keith Nanwood, during a surprisingly candid moment. "But we know he is working hard right now on the next studies that will allow us to offer even more highly trained, productive and affordable monkey teams to all people."
The coming days are going to be the most interesting yet for the top brass at STOM Reasearch. They've had to reconfigure the preliminary ceremonies of their Official STOM Review and Release Science Gathering to fill in for the popular Doctor's opening speech. A reluctant Dr. Randall Longfellow will be cutting the ribbons this year, along with emcee help from Nanwood and new First Nation Studies Department Manager, Dr. Hayden EagleHead.
Said Dr. EagleHead: "Time has allowed man to study monkeys and their environments very very carefully. Just as fire allowed man to advance his culture, so too shall the 5th Allotment Phases (sic) alllow monkeys to jump forward."
STOM Research will have a full retinue of concierges and helpful attendants to direct and assist arriving VIP's and dignitaries. The week-long affair of events, conferences, and booths has proven popular with many in the past years.
"We're looking forward to it." capped off Dr. Longfellow. The 4th Allotment Phase Review and Release Science Gathering is set to begin next week pending local committee verification.