Team of Monkeys

Monkeys working in teams and generated as Mazes

Wednesday, October 13, 1999

Focus Group Determines That Monkeys Can Work In Teams

(Associated News) - Rechavia, STOM Research announced earlier today that their long study into the viability of monkeys working in organized teams has finally concluded. At the end of what were many long and grueling work days, most employees simply appeared tired and wanting to go home to rest. After years of research, STOM Research has decisively come to the conclusion that with the correct training, exact diet, and proper motivation, a team of monkeys can work in harmony to accomplish most simple human tasks.
"We are very happy that our efforts have begun to pay off," said Keith Nanwood, one of the psychologists attending the focus group. "Our next step is to actually train a monkey team and prove that this can be done. I would like to see monkeys driving trucks by the end of this year," he joked.
Many others have been keeping an eye on STOM Research during the marathon study. One particular individual, Martin Paradime, 44, has already expressed an interest in purchasing a very large team of monkeys. "I intend to use them only for peaceful pursuits such as reducing the amount of people forced to work in sweatshops and for making better products than they do" said Paradime, who has repeatedly denied allegations of unfair labor practices at his company, Rifle Parts LLP.
The focus group consisted of scientists, zoologists, a team of Austrian businessmen and 6 randomly selected individuals. The study was almost brought to a stand still yesterday when Austrian Businessman Carl Yarre, 34, stormed out of the lab for no apparent reason. It was later determined that his wife had just given birth. A contingency plan was put into effect and the focus group continued late into the night. 'Tis true, monkeys can work in teams. (AN) Yonatan Frimer contributed to this article